Friday, 29 February 2008

In need of a get away

Ever felt you just need to run and run , to get away even if its momenteraliy? Well i feel this i need a break, i actually started blogging this a few weeks ago but i have been otherwise mentally absorb to return here so i have a few saved in drafts . i wanted to get them published today!!!!

I feel like iam in need of a change of scence and change of view for abit , with a school holiday emminent, feels like the right time to dispear for abit, 4 walls fever for 2 1/2weeks can't even begin to think about it.


Thursday, 21 February 2008

Where is my dad?

My dad died when I was around 5yrs old coming on 6yrs old. It was sudden as he was travelling abroad with my elder sister (who was 13yrs old) at the time to India to visit his parents. I only have a several memories of him and they had faded over the years, the most vivid being when he was leaving for that trip, I was sleeping upstairs and I was awoken to all the commotion downstairs, it was around 5.30am, suitcases were being loaded into a car, voices had awoken me, I came down the stairs as I got to the last step I saw my dad, he kissed me on my forehead and said to be good for mum. With a cuddle he left, I stood there alone, cold, looking at the front door close. Mum told me to go back to bed but I said I didn’t want to, I don’t remember the rest but what I do remember is it was the last time I ever saw him again, my dad was gone forever. I remember days latter playing out side in the front porch , a motor bike pulls up and its some sort of courrier and he is asking for my mum by name and we say yes , he hand us an envelope , looks like a letter. We rush it in to mum, she is illiterate so she says take it to a neighbour and see what it says as my sister was able to read telegram on the envelope. We go next door to Sue but she sends us to Keith, Keith consults his wife and they ask who is Mr. ------------- we say my dad , Keith and his wife look worried now they go to the Mauritian family a few doors away, they are speaking in a low tone I cant make it out. They then tell us to go and get the phone number of a family memeber who speaks English like extended family, an uncle. It didn’t make sense at the time but it does now. They understood the telegram it was just one sentence of a 4 words we just couldn’t make out what deceased meant it read Mr…………… is deceased. Now the people we knew would not tell us, I remember saying we just don’t know what deceased means you can explain it to us so we can tell mum. The rest is a blur I don’t know if I have blocked it out or I was not present. Next thing I recall is what feels like weeks of car loads of people coming and going for weeks and we , us kids was put upstairs in a room and left their most part of the day when the mourners were here. I never saw mum after that not for a long time days, weeks, and then months 10 to be exact. Thing is none told us what was happening, no one told us your dad is dead. I was left to piece it together myself, my older brother and sister had worked it out but didn’t realise what it really meant and I remember them telling dad is dead and smiling. So the mourners kept coming , we was upstairs in the room directly above them, we could hear them laminating and crying , this was frightening and disturbing, I didn’t understand why they was doing this and where was my mum. We were surrounded by aunts’ loads of aunts, the whole extended family to be exact so I didn’t give mums absence to much thought. Then I remember one night while sleeping mum moving around the room to each child and I asked her what she was doing she said nothing , she said I am leaving u all a chocolate under your pillow and you are to eat this when u wake up ok. I must have dropped off, then we awoke and ate our chocolates and looked around for mum but she was not there, then someone said mums gone to india and we all started to cry alone (the idea of the chocolate was when we realised mum was gone we wouldn't be sad at the sight of the treat, which in all fairness did work for a mo). My aunt appeared and told us mum had gone to India and we were going to be staying with her indefinitely. That was it we was never told, never sat down and explained too, I never mourned my dad we just got on with it. We lived with my aunt for 10months in another area but we kept our school and she paid someone to drive us each day. My days at my aunts was days of fun and happiness, my four cousins and the 5 of us 9 kids imagine my poor aunt but she fed and kept us all well. There is still a void in this whole episode of my life , there is still something that i feel but can't explain.

What shapes us?

Looking back on life and childhood , experiences, feelings, thoughts, relationships, happy times , painful times, heart breaking times, educational, encounters, love, paralysing fearful times, desprate,timid, flushed,disillousioned,logical, achieventments, fashion, downfalls, hurt,more love, disappointment, regret, positive, negative, extreme, anger, pondering, dangerous, tears, empty, illegal, adrenalin rush,evil,unloved,closeness, peaceful times, hospitalisation, Allah, death, theft, intoxicating times,lonely,violent , kindness, maternal, hope, uniting, letting go , imagination these are some of the experiences from the cycle of life that we will pass through or experience and our own encounters of each sense and how we expiernced it and drew from it goes towards the shaping of us, you and me.

Above I have snatched words from some significant life experiences I have under gone these words describe the shaping of me each word describes and event. What has helped shape you? Lets pick a word and talk about an avent.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Playing the waiting game..............

Don't you just hate playing the waiting game, feeling anxious , trying to observe sabr , trying to keep your sanity in the process, thinking , stressing, scratching, hoping for answers, soultions, a way forward but at the back of the mind you can't help feeling
Then you realise your heart is not at peace? your soul is wronged? Where am i lacking, sometimes as humans we loose hope, we fail to see beyond our gloom, rather than to work with it, we fail to realise its a purification for our souls. Almighty Allah says, [And whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah, verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest] (Ar-Ra`d 13:28).
This clearly shows that everyone can be affected by reading the Qur'an. Understanding it gives it extra flavor. Yet, by just reading it can provide complete satisfaction and rest to the heart, and it is known that the heart is the station for further reflection.Through tazkiyah comes spiritual health and morality.One of the most important constituents of tazkiyah is thikru Allah (remembrance of Allah). Thikru Allah or simply thikr is a term used to reflect a collection of ways in which a Muslim remembers, lives, and attains closeness to Allah in his heart and himself. The word remember alone does not reflect the meaning of the word thikr. Thus, thikr is more than recollection of something in memory. Thikr is a training institution that helps develop people with enlightened hearts, totally occupied with Allah and His attributes. Allah told us:

"Say (O Muhammad): Truly, Allah leaves to stray whom He will (as a result of their choice of going astray), but He guides to Himself those who turn to Him in penitence, those who believe, and whose hearts find satisfaction in the remembrance of Allah, for without doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." Qur’an, 13:27-28.
"Verily, faith in your hearts wears out, just as clothes do. So ask Allah to renew faith in your hearts."

Thikr utilizes the signs of Allah and His creations as means of recollection and contemplation. The attributes, the Merciful, the Wise, the Pure, the Able, the King, the Cherisher, the Gracious, the Exalted, the Dominion, and the Master are a few of the attributes from which the spiritual nourishments of a pious believer are drawn.
epa00847650 Iraqi Shiite muslims attend the Eid al Fitr\'s prayer the headquarter of the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq (SCIRI) in Baghdad on Tuesday 24 October 2006. Prayers were offered during the first day of Eid al-Fitr marking th
Just go and contemplate this and think about it.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Thinking Aloud

Brain is ticking on over time and I am in a reflective mood just wondering what I am doing what am I achieving esp. with the kids , I feel like they are lacking , they are missing out , I am not doing a good enough job where the deen is concerned. Need to make changes need to establish new routines? This is becoming a big stress for me as I am loosing time, each day they are growing time is slipping away, their lives and the way they live them is not the vision I had for life after hijrah. I feel the school life here takes up too much of their life time. They study 8am-3pm 4-6pm tuition most days per week. (Don’t forget the daily homework) 8pm bed now that’s the day!!!!! They study 6 days per week only having Friday as the 1 whole day off, this day is spent by me washing school clothes ready and dried, ironed for the next day, cooking a special meal as it’s the only whole day we have together, daily housework, making sure everyone has a ghusal before jummah and off to the masjid for jummah salat. The day is lost – the day was not spent with my kids in the way I wanted to , they never had my full attention , they never got the quality me or time I wanted , that I never seem to get these days with them , I am getting the grumpy and tired kids .
Time is running out.
I am feeling lost inside a maze and my kids are slipping away into this world of secular education , that is dominating their lives………………..I don’t see an Islamic identity as strong as is was and this worries me , as they are seeing their peers more than me it seems and identifying more where culture of Algeria is concerned after all they are Algerian, I feel they need to be around a more pious and God fearing model daily as school is doing little for their deen, after all its what we are here for right ? I mean in this world, think about it what life is better to prepare for this one or the next? Look at this way which life will you give more energy? A life that last say 100yrs tops (if you are blessed) or eternal? Where, which life are your energies going to be focused at? Got it, yes the eternal life no doubt!!!!!!! In need to make rapid changes and stop making excuses or I am going to loose these babies to culture and routine, this worries me, no free thinking disables the mind. If I had my way I would put them into Islamic schooling systems inshaAllah at least that way they are learning deen along side secular studies in an Islamic environment rather than a cultural one. Need answers and need them fast as time is running away form my kids the tender years are passing Allah Al Mus’taan.

Monday, 11 February 2008

More Happyness

Another reason to be happy …………spring is almost upon us in Algeria (usually around the end of February) , the sun is out most of the day , the wind is a little nippy but its nice subhanAllah. As Algeria is a very humid country esp. in areas by the sea, humidity, mould and condensation are just a few of the things we have to deal with. In the autumn and winter months Algeria is very dull due to the lack of sunshine, I firmly believe Algeria is a better place in the sun. Whereas I liked the UK better when it was grey and raining .I don’t like the summer sun , its way too hot subhan Allah but I like the spring sun as its just right but can get very hot. Algeria seems abetter place with the sun in tow, washing dries quicker as in the winter months its can take 3-5days with all the dampness around. The rugs go up for the summer ahead which equals less dusting ect , the list goes on……… Now the spring in Algeria is a very special time for me as I await the return of my friends in the form of birds………beautiful wild birds that bring me so much joy mash Allah. They appear on the window ledge and tap at the glass, that’s this one the blue tit, its colours are so deep and fresh.
The other is the Robin Red Chest now he makes me smile and feel nostalgic as in the UK growing up as a child , I read so many a story book with robins in them , the red robin, he reminds me of the winter. His legs are so thin and skinny, yet his body is big and fluffy.
Each bird has its distinctive chirp and I am able to recognise them by sound alone, there are other birds too with bright luminous colours that the eye has never witnessed. I am not a bird watcher believe me but I have taken up this pastime come spring each year. The birds are so pretty and really brighten my mood and day , I feel subhan Allah what hidden beauties I have never seen before , I never thought something so simple would bring me so much joy mash Allah.
These birds are more vigilant than the general wild birds, the robin does not stay still to long as soon as he senses me behind the glass, and he is off. Whereas the blue it stays and taps and even whilst I am pottering around in the kitchen stays to eat the food I have left him on the ledge. The wonders of Allah’s creations Al Khaliqh, never ceases to amaze me subhan Allah.

Sunday, 10 February 2008

I am Happy Al-hamduillah


I felt the need to let everyone know I am happy alhamduillah as after a recent comment left on a post, it got me thinking perhaps I post too much gloom and doom and not enough happy postings. This prompted me to say a little why I am blogging and what I blog.

I am happy to have been blessed with the chance to make hijrah alhamduillah, like any major change in life hijrah has not come without its test in more ways than one. Life is full of good and bad, the experiences we gain from life’s test makes us or breaks us. I am here to share with you an insight into my life and the world around me as I see and feel it. There is no right and wrong here as we all are as different as people so what I feel is not what you will feel but someone might.
I decided to make hijrah a very long time ago as a teenager in fact, I was not a muslimah at the time but I wanted out of the west for very similar reasons as I believe in today as a muslimah. I have been mentally and physically preparing for 14yrs to come to live in Algeria. It was always my decision, my choice, if anything I encouraged my DH not that he needed much encouragement alhamduillah.
I had many dreams and aspirations for myself and in later years for my children and DH (as a family) visions and dreams, goals and achievements, expectations that never materialized. What I expected of Algeria and its people never emerged and what I didn’t want or expect did!!!! So what now? In between this mess I have to find a life, establish happiness, and create a path forward. Happiness is a blessing that not all are blessed with. Hardships are a blessing that not all are tested with; its striking the balance is what it’s all about for me. Contentment is a restraint and is a hold back for furthering oneself and ambitions. If there is one thing I have discovered is that there is nothing like a hijrah to test ones intentions and happiness subhanAllah. I find shatan work harder in Muslim lands to mislead the people. My test are visible and hidden, I am just here sharing my thoughts and feelings, as a British Asian Ex Pat, Revert Muslimah alahmduillah, that’s what it’s about the good and the bad. It’s all about me and how I perceive it.

Friday, 8 February 2008

Missing The Past

owww it hurts I don't know why but I find this time of year I get extremly home sick subhan Allah. Its places , thoughts, smells,foods, and feelings that spring to mind, throughtout the day images appear in my mind to torment me of a place a memory. Then i know this is home sickness for sure , suddenly nothing tastes good here, everything becomes a chore, i can't be bothered , i battle with my emtions to remind myself , that life is now past and i need to find new comforts , new memories , new smells, new feelings here , for now i recall only pain. Not to say there have no been happy times , there have but the pain dominates my memories here so far. so I am kinda moping around just putting on a smile for others , dont want to spread my gloom to all esp the kids, making the effort for the sake of Allah knowing
WITH HARDSHIP COMES EASEAnd, behold, with every hardship comes ease. Verily, with every hardship comes ease! Hence, when thou art freed [from distress], remain steadfast, and to thy Lord turn (all) thy attention.Holy Quran, Chapter 94, Verses 5-8
and belive me this is true as alhamduilah in the past i have exiperenced the effects of this ayat (verse), its only we loose hope!

I went to visit my sister who was crying

I mangage to get out to see the sister who has been crying for 2.5yrs now, isolated and lonely in her shell. Almost abandoned , the visit i felt was a great sucess for all , another sister Emma (not real name), went with me , who herself has and is suffering. Why are the sisters suffering so much in Algeria? There is no support in place and Algeria can be a pretty lonely place esp for the ex pat community , who have a different culture and no family support, often no friends. The emman subsides and that opens a way for shatan to have a ever tightening hold on the person. Lonelyness is a state of illness, that hurts. Ever felt your surrounded by so many people but your still lonely? your emman is still low? We all need encouragement and good role models esp when we feel we are no more....................

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Everyone Seems To Feel Tierd

It seems eveyone in the household is sleep deprive here this last week , Why ? Stress, Exams i just don't know seems to be adult and kids alike, two couldn't get up for schoool and are in bed zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz so i decided to let them sleep it off for the morning and catch up on the sleep they need! Now sleep is very imprtant for various reason here are some:

Six reasons not to scrimp on sleep, from Harvard Women’s Health Watch
BOSTON—A recent survey found that more people are sleeping less than six hours a night, and sleep difficulties visit 75% of us at least a few nights per week. A short-lived bout of insomnia is generally nothing to worry about. The bigger concern is chronic sleep loss, which can contribute to health problems such as weight gain, high blood pressure, and a decrease in the immune system’s power, reports the Harvard Women’s Health Watch.
While more research is needed to explore the links between chronic sleep loss and health, it’s safe to say that sleep is too important to shortchange.
The Harvard Women’s Health Watch suggests six reasons to get enough sleep:
Learning and memory: Sleep helps the brain commit new information to memory through a process called memory consolidation. In studies, people who’d slept after learning a task did better on tests later.
Metabolism and weight: Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our bodies process and store carbohydrates, and by altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite.
Safety: Sleep debt contributes to a greater tendency to fall asleep during the daytime. These lapses may cause falls and mistakes such as medical errors, air traffic mishaps, and road accidents.
Mood: Sleep loss may result in irritability, impatience, inability to concentrate, and moodiness. Too little sleep can also leave you too tired to do the things you like to do.
Cardiovascular health: Serious sleep disorders have been linked to hypertension, increased stress hormone levels, and irregular heartbeat.
Disease: Sleep deprivation alters immune function, including the activity of the body’s killer cells. Keeping up with sleep may also help fight cancer.
What does Islam say about the importance of sleep?
sura nabaa(the great news)no. 78 (verses 6-16)
6. "have we not made the earth as a (wide) expanse?"7. "and the mountains as pegs"8. "and we created you in pairs,"9. "and we made your sleep for repose,"10. "and we made the night as a covering"11. "and we made the day for (seeking) livelihood,"12. "and we built above you seven firmaments"13. "and we made (therein) a blazing lamp,"14. "and we sent down from the clouds water in abundance"15. "that we may bring forth thereby grain and plants,"16. "and gardens of luxurious growth?"
thus, the term "subat" narrowly refers to the stopping of most of man's physical and mental activities when he sleeps. the very temporary stopping of activity causes refreshment and improvement for the tired organs, strengthening the soul and the body, renewing one's pleasure, removing any fatigue and uneasiness, and consequently, making man ready to start working again.though one-third of the human beings' lifetime is occupied by sleep and they have always been entangled with the question of `dreams', still they wonder about the mysteries of sleep. even yet, it is not exactly known why that at a special moment the mind fails to work well, the eyelids droop and all the limbs come to a peaceful state. but, one thing is definitely known and that is: sleep is of great importance to one's health, and that is why psychiatrists try to make their patients' sleep normally and regularly, because it is impossible to cure them without it.those who do not sleep enough are pale, withered, nervous, and dull. on the contrary, those who sleep normally, when they rise they feel, in themselves, much pleasure and vitality. after a tranquil sleep, study progresses very quickly and mental activity and physical endeavors are often more successful. these facts show the important functional role of sleep in man's life. there are few tortures, for a person, that are as painful as compulsory sleeplessness. experiments have shown that man's tolerance for lack of sleep is very little and soon he loses his health and becomes sick. the aforementioned statements about the importance of sleep mean, of course., a balanced sleep, because, over sleeping, like gluttony, is one of the graceless behaviors which causes various sicknesses. it is interesting that there is not a certain time limit for the natural length of sleep in all persons, but everyone should find the amount of sleep that one needs regarding his physical and mental activities and according to one's own experience. and stranger still is when human beings are placed in a difficult situation where they must stay awake for a long time. their perseverance for sleeplessness increases, temporarily, so that sometimes they decrease their sleep to one or two hours, but it has often happened that when the circumstances have changed, man, both spiritually and bodily, has demanded the recompense of that sleeplessness and has taken it back. there are, of course, a few rare individuals who are able to go without continuous sleep, for months at a time. in contrast, there are some people who fall asleep even when they are walking on the street or when they are speaking with another person. surely, this state is very dangerous for them, especially if there would be no one to look after them. obviously, these kinds of people are sick and sooner or later they will be faced with physical and spiritual difficulties. in short, this wonderful characteristic, which appears in man and is called `sleep', contains many mysteries and is perceived as a 'miracle''. although the above mentioned verse is about `sleep', as a divine blessing, it seems that death, and wakefulness could, also, symbolize resurrection, so the verse could be a hint to both of them. then, again, concerning sleep, it speaks about the blessing of`night' and says: "and we made the night as a covering". following immediately after that, it says: "and we made the day for (seeking) livelihood". contrary to the duelists (because of being uninformed about the secrets of creation, where they thought that the light of day is good and the darkness of night is evil and they believed in a separate god, for both of them, while thinking that the former originated from `god' and the latter from satan) we should give a bit more thought to it, then we will recognize that both of them are great blessings and are the origin of other blessings, as well. according to the above verses, the gloom of night is a cloth and covering over the body of the earth and over all living creatures residing on it. night, compulsorily, stops the exhausting activities of the life and makes the gloom of darkness, which is actually peace, calmness, and tranquillity, dominate over everything in order to give the tired limbs a chance to recover and the gloomy spirit a chance to revive, since a good and quiet sleep is more likely to be obtained in the dark. besides this, when night comes, the sunshine disappears. if the sun were to shine continuously, all plants and animals would die from its heat, and the earth could not be a dwelling place for them. for the same reason, the holy qur'an has frequently emphasized on this matter. once, it says: "say, see you? if allah were to make the day perpetual over you to the day of judgment, what god is there other than allah who can give you a night in which you can rest?..." (sura qasas, no. 28, verse 72). and after that it adds: "it is out of his mercy that he has made for you night and day, that you may rest therein, and that you may seek of his grace...", (sura qasas no 28, verse 73).

Sunday, 3 February 2008


I have had a pain in my chest pretty much all day today on the right side above the breast, its a shap pain and when i inhale i hurts. Its moving up my neck and to my shoulders , i feel tierd ,ratty and exgusted. It's called STRESS subhan Allah any pointers anyone to defuse and relax?

Prayers for Peace

Prayers for Peace