Thursday, 21 February 2008

Where is my dad?

My dad died when I was around 5yrs old coming on 6yrs old. It was sudden as he was travelling abroad with my elder sister (who was 13yrs old) at the time to India to visit his parents. I only have a several memories of him and they had faded over the years, the most vivid being when he was leaving for that trip, I was sleeping upstairs and I was awoken to all the commotion downstairs, it was around 5.30am, suitcases were being loaded into a car, voices had awoken me, I came down the stairs as I got to the last step I saw my dad, he kissed me on my forehead and said to be good for mum. With a cuddle he left, I stood there alone, cold, looking at the front door close. Mum told me to go back to bed but I said I didn’t want to, I don’t remember the rest but what I do remember is it was the last time I ever saw him again, my dad was gone forever. I remember days latter playing out side in the front porch , a motor bike pulls up and its some sort of courrier and he is asking for my mum by name and we say yes , he hand us an envelope , looks like a letter. We rush it in to mum, she is illiterate so she says take it to a neighbour and see what it says as my sister was able to read telegram on the envelope. We go next door to Sue but she sends us to Keith, Keith consults his wife and they ask who is Mr. ------------- we say my dad , Keith and his wife look worried now they go to the Mauritian family a few doors away, they are speaking in a low tone I cant make it out. They then tell us to go and get the phone number of a family memeber who speaks English like extended family, an uncle. It didn’t make sense at the time but it does now. They understood the telegram it was just one sentence of a 4 words we just couldn’t make out what deceased meant it read Mr…………… is deceased. Now the people we knew would not tell us, I remember saying we just don’t know what deceased means you can explain it to us so we can tell mum. The rest is a blur I don’t know if I have blocked it out or I was not present. Next thing I recall is what feels like weeks of car loads of people coming and going for weeks and we , us kids was put upstairs in a room and left their most part of the day when the mourners were here. I never saw mum after that not for a long time days, weeks, and then months 10 to be exact. Thing is none told us what was happening, no one told us your dad is dead. I was left to piece it together myself, my older brother and sister had worked it out but didn’t realise what it really meant and I remember them telling dad is dead and smiling. So the mourners kept coming , we was upstairs in the room directly above them, we could hear them laminating and crying , this was frightening and disturbing, I didn’t understand why they was doing this and where was my mum. We were surrounded by aunts’ loads of aunts, the whole extended family to be exact so I didn’t give mums absence to much thought. Then I remember one night while sleeping mum moving around the room to each child and I asked her what she was doing she said nothing , she said I am leaving u all a chocolate under your pillow and you are to eat this when u wake up ok. I must have dropped off, then we awoke and ate our chocolates and looked around for mum but she was not there, then someone said mums gone to india and we all started to cry alone (the idea of the chocolate was when we realised mum was gone we wouldn't be sad at the sight of the treat, which in all fairness did work for a mo). My aunt appeared and told us mum had gone to India and we were going to be staying with her indefinitely. That was it we was never told, never sat down and explained too, I never mourned my dad we just got on with it. We lived with my aunt for 10months in another area but we kept our school and she paid someone to drive us each day. My days at my aunts was days of fun and happiness, my four cousins and the 5 of us 9 kids imagine my poor aunt but she fed and kept us all well. There is still a void in this whole episode of my life , there is still something that i feel but can't explain.


ammena said...

wow, I never realised sis... Im so sorry to hear about what you went through and how you went through it. *hugs*

Rainbow In The Grey Sky said...

wa alakum aslam Ameena
thanks for your kindness, its just intresting as you just don't realise how past childhood events effect a person until much later in life sometimes, just how much events have had an inpact on the way your are. Also i belive nothing is ramdom , everything is for a reason, some we understand some we don't but its all part of the wider picture.

seekingtaqwa said...

yet another powerful post masha'allah, I am truly awed by the strength of my sisters.

Umm Hibaat said...

Assalaamu Alaykum my sister,

I too, had no idea. I'm sorry to read about all that you went through. It's so true, those things that we experience in childhood shape the rest of our lives and sometimes it can take us most of our lifetime to figure it out.

Take care Rainbow,
Fee amaanillah.

Rainbow In The Grey Sky said...

This part of my life has always been a sore point as i grew up with out a father , i never had the chance to expierence a daughter and father relationship. sometimes its painful other times its ok , i have moved on from this , i remember as a child for many years after nightmares (about him)dominating my sleep and this made me to dislike him so its like i blocked him out mentaly for so long to stop the nightmares. It seemed to work.

seekingtaqwa said...

I was raised without the presence of a father too, and only met mine again a year before he died,It's tough and clouds your life sometimes, but it's amazing how we, as women and Muslimaat find the strength through allah to cope...sometimes we don't appreciate just how much our childhoods and what happens in them shapes our lives for both the better and the worse ... group hug anyone??

Rainbow In The Grey Sky said...

Yes ST your right , i didn't realise just how much of my life is affected good and bad by my own childhood. Iam early 30's already , seeing and feeling the inpact, the important thing is not to let past pain dominate futre progresses, inshaAllah we put it down to qadr and move on. Group hugs back xxxxxxxxx

Umm Ibrahim said...

Assalaamu alaikum
Can I join in the group hug too?!
Subhan Allah a really sad post - f course I had no idea either. :(
Funny how things can start to have more of an impact later in your life; I have found that also.

Prayers for Peace

Prayers for Peace