Wednesday, 13 August 2008

The Non Return

Need know I am not returning to Algeria for my 4Th year alhamduilah. Thinking way back to Oct 2005 and mid Ramadan and all the preparations, rushing, tears, shipping, stocking up and leaving all in aid for my departure to Algeria, what i thought was forever. In the first place it was a very hard jihad al nafs (struggle of the dis ires) to leave in the first place, to say salam to the land that is my home, the only home i ever new, to say salam to a life but alhamduilah masha allah i did it as i really wanted it. I was no fool as i knew troubled waters lay ahead but what i got was far more troubled than i could have ever imagine subhanallah. I will be honest when i say i spent 2 1/2 yrs of my 3yrs in tears but they were tears of self realisation and development, tears of pain, tears of happiness , tears for loved ones, tears of in ability, tears of realization, tears for others, tears of shock and disappointment, tears of achievement and tears in the way of my Lord although i my whole life does revolve around my religion Islam anyhow.


What i expected i didn't find what i had hoped never to find i got. I started this blog as i had no one to talk to and i decided i would blog my events and emotions here and i never dreamed to find a sisterhood this way. In a way this blog was to be a relief for my emotions and mashaAllah i do get that.
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I don't regret for a moment for going to Algeria and trying it out as i always had a passion for Algeria and wanted to try the whole emigration experience alhamduillah. Things i went in search for in the way of my deen (religion) didn't materise for me so much , this could be due o number of reasons, like location. Goals i had in mind for my family didn't emerge Islam wise not to say there is no deen there yes there is mashaAllah i met the most pious sisters there (native Algerian women) that have a left a lasting effect on my deen mashaAllah. Maybe my own Islamic Standard are too high and i enjoyed to live in this comfortable Islamic bubble we create for ourselves in the UK when in effect the real Islamic world is different.
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I belive Allah destined for me to go to Algeria alhamduialh perhaps seeing at how things evolved for me to move to Algeria in the first place...it maybe that Allah wanted to try my eman and maybe He found me steady as a rock... or maybe perfected me till I were steady mashallah... Allahu alim and He is al kareem. All i know is i gain so much from being in algeria , it nourished my existence, hardships were my blessing believe me test after test made me come closer to my lord and feel the beauty of belonging , of being alone, of being helpless, feeling the power and favor of my MASTER Allah subhanoo. Maybe i was not to remain in Algeria that's all, i have come to re-visit the purpose of my time in this dunniyah and why i am here, things and goals i need to focus upon.
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At first i was devastated when i realised i have to return, as i didn't want to reclaim a life in the UK , i even looked into moving on to Egypt but this was no answer to my situation. Being away for m the UK has made me appreciate just how blessed we are to live here , those that do, we knock it but really there are many freedoms we can enjoy that others can only dream about. So now i am back i am looking forward to building a new life at first i was not but now i am coming around to the idea, you see my fear was not settling back in as i know i can do that with ease as England is my HOME and being me , Britain is where i feel happy. i didn't want to return out of fear of not being able to let go if hijrah came up again in the future as it was hard enough the first time but inshaAllah i am ready to submit to my lord where ever he has willed for me. My children are all happy about the return and feel very settled here in the UK, so here we are to start over alhamduilah.
The big question is will i return? The Asked knows no better than the asker, i am leaving an open door there.

6 comments:

Umm Ibrahim said...

Assalaamu alaikum,

Alhamdu Lillah you had that experience in Algeria and insha'Allah it has opened your eyes in many ways and changed you for the better.

Anyway, enjoy this coming Ramadan together. :]

Somayya said...

AsSalaam Alaikum

Alhamduilliah, as I've told you already, you look so much happier and more settled when I saw you here, so enjoy what Allah has given you and let the future bring whatever he has planned.

UmmAbdurRahman said...

salamu aliakum

I've come here many times wanting to write a response, but I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together.

I think, inshaAllah, it is the best for you to stay in UK. I always feel that it is better to keep a family united. It keeps the marital bond together and hopefully free from some certain kinds of tests inshaAllah.

It will be good for you, your children, your husband and your marriage inshaALlah.

salaam

ammena said...

alhamdulillah :) look forward to seeing you sis :D

Umm Salihah said...

Assalam-alaikam Sister,
Like Ummabdurrahman I have been here more than once tryign to articulate what I think.

I am glad you are here, you seemed sad in Algeria. I am glad you are together as a family and the Muslim community here in the UK needs all the good sisters it can get.

At the same time I can see why you would want to live in a Muslim country especially for the sake of your children. But maybe good tarbiyyah is good tarbiyyah wherever you are (many of my relatives in Pakistan are less religious than those of us here).

As Sis Ammena says,
it would be lovely to meet some time insh'Allah.

Rainbow In The Grey Sky said...

Just wanted to reply to umm saliha's comment , no ukti i were not sad in Algeria facing hardship yes but not sad alhamduilah . I don't regret Algeria for a moment , glad i were blessed with the chance mashaallah and to endure the hardship too for i firmily belive every hardship has its blessings subhanAllah.Read here for happyness http://ummihabibati.blogspot.com/2008/02/i-am-happy-al-hamduillah.html and here http://ummihabibati.blogspot.com/2008/02/more-happyness.html

Things are not so as we had planned and i have not been able to spend much time with dh and the kids as a family too but this inshaAllah hopefully won't be too dragged out and we have to exert more sabr in that area. Being together dispite has helped and yes i am not doing the sepration thing again inshaAllah. Being back is still having its challanges alhamduilah and the feeling of not wanting to be here has faded a wee bit alhamduilah. I am making the most out of the GREAT in GREAT BRITIAN inshaAllah. I do hope we can link up soon sister, leave your email or number on a comment on my blog and i won't publish it ok, i will call you inshaAllah.

Prayers for Peace

Prayers for Peace