I just want someone to listen

Every felt surrounded by people, yet you have no one to talk too? I just want to say a few lines, somewhere to someone, to get it of my chest, for someone to share my load. Knowing this revelation is not for everyone and not every one can carry this load. Who to trust, who to consider, its a private matter so not to break someones trust. in the end I walk alone, caring this burden alone and will deal with it alone. I am not alone though am I? I know no one has the answers this burden I carry alone, I find comfort in my greatest and everlasting friend Allah, its the only friend who can truly help me right now.

No regrets

I am someone who try's to go through life with no regrets as I firmly believe if its meant to be then it will be and choices I make/made they may not have been the right ones but at least I tried. I always stood alone in life and stood tall as I learnt from a very young age, it was never coming to me on a silver platter. Maybe I made some serious errors along the way but I have always been content with what I have and if I didn't have it then alhamduilah Allah never destined it for me.

life not so smooth at the momenta

Life at home has been far from a bed of roses but then again when is it ever meant to be smooth non stop? Rather than go into details and tell you all my personal problems, I am going to focus on the emotions. I feel sadness because others are making me sad, I want to cry and cry and realise some of the sadness but the eyes remain dry. I am unsupported and made to feel worthless by the very ones I gave my love too and natured with kindness. I am blamed for their hard times and hardships. I feel like its give me give me give me, who is looking out for me? I hate to be stuck in this rut, surely there is more to life in a family unit, surely there is more to it than pain? Dark times bring dark emotions , I hope things will get better soon inshaAllah.
and this is just a passing phases as close relationships in close space feel strain from time to time too.

Are they ashamed of me?

About two weeks ago i went to visit my mom. My brother and his family all live in my mom's house with her. Upon my arrival there was someone already in the house , my sister in laws friend from what i could make out. I was ushered into the back room where my sister in law has her workshop and she started talking shop with me. While the other lady was conversion with my mom in the hall. my sister in law looked alarmed but i didn't understand why. She told me in a whisper to stay in the workshop until this lady left. Afterwards she bushed it off with don't be offend, that i asked you to stay in this room. Me being me said no, not realising the real implications of this incident!

It dawned on me much later that they felt ashamed of me and felt the need to pass me of as a client and not family for the simple fact i am a Muslimah dressed in Islamic attire. Now this hurt , i thought they had gotten over all these prejuideces. Maybe they never did? Maybe its an act and deep down they have not. I feel angry and i feel like a hypocrite. I am not the conformational type but what should i do? should i confront my mother and Sister in law? To be honest i don't feel comfortable going there anymore. My little sister is getting married on Monday and i am going to attend the registry office, comments were made about my dress a few months ago. Now i just feel sick to my stomach , perhaps i am not wanted!


I am saddened by thier lack of honesty and their behaviour...why can't people say it as it is. I am happy with my clothing and my way of life alhamduilah and have never looked back for a second, now i feel all we had/have is a lie in respect of relations!

Getting Back On Track..................

Well after a recent brevement we suffered of a close family memeber and the effects this had on everyone, each and everyone is trying to rebuild a life again without the loved one. Some are still recovering from the events, others have delayed shock and still have to mourn. While others are having a lasting effect and are suffering daily with truma. More closer to home my dd1 is suffering she is expierencing daily blackouts and panic attacks. Its the shrouded image she told me , when she thinks of it she feels her chest tighten and blacks out! If she sees a all white piece of cloth she freaks out subhan Allah. Like we were praying together the other day and in the last rakat while standing up she fainted banging her head, she told me after she looked down at her white scarf and remember the shrouded body and blacked out!
I have her under home watch alhamduillah she has days off for revision from school but is due to sit her exams on Saturday, so this is added stress for her. I feel she is undergoing some physcological truma here.

De'ja voo or what?

During my first year i had no internet connection , its a shame really as there was so much more to share emotions wise ! Well there are expierences and feelings i am going through that recall my past and my own upbringging-being alone here alomst 3 years without my dh is hard but we have learned to cope , at first it was empty and extremly lonely , we all felt this void..........my emman dropped pretty quickly......this didn't help matters one bit!!!! It reminded me of my own mother and her plight after the death of my father when i was aged just 5yrs old. hw did she ever cope with us alone in a strange land , no grasp of the native language , 5 young children , no family , only inlaws that was not intrested to offer her the support she needed? suddenly there was similarities and i had an over whelming feeling of respect for my mother, not that i never respected her before but this just made me feel ''my mums a true rock'' , as my situation was not even half as severe as hers. she never gave up on us dispite encouragement from the inlaws o put us in to state care or foster homes. I have the most respect for my mum , sad thing is she may never know! In the first few months of my hijrah i cryed often for about 3 months - they was very dark days , there was 1 week in amoungst then 3 months where i suffered some sort of break down , i could not function , i cry contiously for a week (if that's at all possible) all i remember is not being able to stop the tears flowing , i was in the kitchen cooking , crying, making the beds , crying , answering the phone , crying............i just could not stop it it was like out of my control!!!! I remembered having this emotion when i gave birth to my son in 1999, after i was taken to the ward i couldn't stop crying , i was talking all normally ect but loads of tears gushing down my face , even the nurses said to me whats wrong are you in pain? I said ''NO, i don't know why i keep crying and i can't stop it!'' Eventually i went to see a Dr. who said i had very low blood pressure and i was very weak and perscribed me some royal jelly buables to drink for an instant energy boost.......after a while i was on the mend. So life began to look bleak , i began to think is this what i have let myself in for? is this my futre ? have i left behind so much for this (as shatan is very good at making you think the grass is greener on the otherside)? Again my eman was rock bottom and i was alomst distroyed alhamduilah Allah gave me the strenght again but not with out the enduring testing first.