Visiting an friend after 8 years

Today was an early start for me, I headed into Sussex to visit an old friend who came into my live 8 years ago and stopped for 2 years and then moved cities then countries. We remained in touch best we could, by telephone, email, shortly by face book. Every time we spoke it was like had never left each other for so long mashaAllah.

This lady came into my life when I was expecting my 3rd child, at a time when the rejection of my family was still very raw. At a time I longed for a true sisterhood, a friend that really cared. My dear friend filled this description and more mashaAllah.

I recall the happy days hanging out together at her flat, the endless cups of tea we drank, the social lunch's we organised for other sisters, the Islamic talks, the fundraising, the laughter and tears we shared will remain in my memory for time to come. The support this sister showed me when I gave birth to my daughter, she made sure I had an endless stream of visitors and cooked meals mashaAllah. She never let me feel the void of my family, its almost like she replaced it in other ways. She soon became my family. Then a chance came for here to make hijrah and off she went, we cried as we parted, exchanged gift and words of wisdom but her love never left my heart. So today after 8 years I headed out of London to visit her, I got the added bonus to meet her mother and sisters mashaAllah. She had talked about them so much during those years and now they were all here in the same room. Gentle and kind mashaAllah. We were treated to a special lunch on a lovely table presented just for us mashaAllah. It was lovely to meet my friend’s family and all her new additions, 3 new children who have inherited the very kind nature of their lovely mother mashaAllah.

We exchanged stories and descriptions of our host countries of hijrah (emigration). On another note the area of Sussex was a breath of fresh air for me compared to London, its greenery, cool breeze and village like feel. Roads seemed deserted compared to London's bumper to bumper traffic. We parted on the note ''when will we meet again?'' Holding back my tears I said I don't know another 8 years?
There was a resident henna artist and my daughter had her henna done.

Coming back but feeling different

Yesterday I went to a community bazaar and caught up with a lot of the old circle of sisters, mash Allah lovely sisters. I did note that life has remained the same.

I was speaking to sister S about my own spiritual development after hijrah I realized soon after being in Algeria alone for so long and only depending upon my lord for my daily nourishment of faith and battling shatan every step of the way, my faith entered another level Alhamdulillah, a new spiritual high that can only be attained after hardship and dependence upon Allah. I feel looking back on my life in the UK it is a life of dependence upon society and materialism, before you all start, I am talking about my own experience and things the way I felt them. We have this net work of sisters and weekly halaqh's, events we are involved in, things that’s are good, of course they are but soon we take on more and more, the DH is out of the home almost 24/7, kids are in bed before he gets in and sometimes gone off for the day before he gets up, having to make appointments to see his own kids. The sisterhood is great in the UK mash Allah very diverse but as I came to learn a very superficial one, not all some as there are so many wonderful sisters out there and who really do care. We live in this self created Islamic bubble we create for ourselves in the UK, the choices, materialism and access hinders our real relationship with our lord, we are missing tranquility, our hearts are diseases with love for comfort. I often remind myself ''if I don't have hardships, how will I come closer to Allah?'

I was talking to a sister and she was telling me she was so stressed, with the daily grind and life. I asked her if she had food on her table, she said yes, did her roof leak water. She said no, is her health in tack? She said yes. I them told her so what is the stress that is making you so ill? She told me her job, her routine and her wealth, so basically her blessings subhan Allah. I advised her is an illusion of the word stress, put the same energy into your salat and dikr, reaffirm your faith and correct you salat and wudu. I don't know if you can relate to what I am saying but we are all caught up in this in gratitude, when was the last time we thanked our lord , do we do it as often as we moan? We need to self look within ourselves and return to the basics to have faith cost nothing, to have emaan cost nothing to maintain it cost scarifies. Allah guide us all ameen.

Lonely Hijrah (Evaluation Sofar)

I don’t think I ever got over the loneliness I encountered during the first 3 years as a muhajirah Allah Al Must’aan. Really this has been one of the downsides of my hijrah, the loneliness and lack of support. Mind you having said that year 3 has been the best in terms of seeing more people namely sisters ,making new friends too as I saw more this term than I did in the first two years . I also got out more this last year and felt more settled with the ability to shop and get food stuff. This last issue has to do with the mild winter and also a build up of new shopping facilities locally. Cooking has been more varied this year, is this due to becoming accustomed to the veg on offer and acquiring a taste for them? Or my oven being fixed? Offering me more variety of foods? This year seems to have zoomed by much faster than the other 2 subhanAllah but in my heart not fast enough. I am more settled than I ever was in Algeria and I have no intention to return to the UK to reclaim a life there and I ask Allah to aid my decision to say put. Having said that I ’ never say never ‘ rule one in my life, coz you never know when and where……if I was too return it would not be because I didn’t like it , it didn’t work for me , or I didn’t want to be here despite all my hardships. I know I made the right decision to come to Algeria in hindsight maybe would have most certainly preferred another country; I was more geared for the Middle East. Having lived here for 3 years now I don’t regret for a moment having come to Algeria. OK maybe not the place for you or me so it would seem but I have gained so much from this first emigration.
There is certain something that hijrah brings a blessing that I can’t explain because it’s spiritual. Just thinking had we gone else where just how hard it would have been without the local know how and support to help us establish a home ect. We have the know how here and its still very hard subhanAllah. Maybe I am getting old? 35 this year and I feel it, believe me, maybe I have reached a point in my life where being daring is beyond me now .no more young blood left lol. I’m just rambling now………………

Making The Most Of The Situation

I really wanted to get out and socialize today with the other ex-pat sisters of Algeria. Me and the kids as its a national holiday here today 'May 1st' so its defo a long weekend. The sun is out and its lightly brezzey, perfect picnic by the sea weather as i watch the neighbouring families set off for the day with their pinic boxes..........i wonder wheither they are going to link up with family members first or pass by on thier way out? Algeria is such a lonely place when you have no familiy, noone comes, nowhere to go, for a single mum and no Algerian dh around it can be a very miserable place as I have come to realise life in these Arab Lands is very family orientated, all function with the love and support of families. Well i decided to make it special for me and the kids in some way, so we are having a chill out weekend at home Algerian stylish , kinda! we are going to made homemade pizza,have crisp some gazzo (fizzy drinks) just taking it easy , couch potato kinda day I think!!! Comfort food to comfort the mood alhamduillah. Not all day mind you as i have a peace project lined up for later, a craft project , learning about Palastine and peace movements.

when it rains it pours.

Ever felt it always comes in one go? I have been analizing why life seems so hard in Algeria in so many respects? Apart form the obvious, when things go wrong , inability and lack of resources to access the remeidy for one! Alhamduilah just lately I have had some issues come in thick and hard all in one go, I am trying to work them through inshAllah, with sabr and steadfastness. Sometimes we all need a boost, we all need a lift , we all need support, we all need to feel inspired. The feeling of a storm brewing, trying to aviod a climax this is the real endurance test subhanAllah.

My return....................

All was well we checked in online the night before we were even able to allocate our seat on the flight for the next day ourselves mashaAllah, the new terminal looks small from the outside but once in its very nice , i found it very simple and stress free. The lower levels are like an up-market shopping centre with shops like Prada, Harrods all selling thier goods. All we had to do was to go to the fast bag drop to have the bags tagged and weighted, this was done all ok alhamduillah. Depture lounge actually felt like the depature lounge in Algeria and looked like it too. At the final checks point , I had a tin of heniz baked beans convinscated, they said the volume was too big , i was gutted as it was for my dear friend in Algeria who wanted a taste of home , i pleaded and pleaded but to no avial and they threw it away in a big bin full of other goodies. We were delayed in a que for take off there were a number of planes hanging around for a take off slot. When i got to Algeris i noticed there were many people hanging abut the belt for bags ect but only few bags , 2/5 had arrived of mine and 3 piece never arrived Allah Al must'aan what i have been reading about on the news for weeks had happened to me!!!!! The stress had began and i was barely on Algerian soil subhanAllah but not an algerian problem this time !!! A very British one!!!! so now i wait for a phone call from the arport to see if my bags come in ..........and wait and wait , we are making dua they show soon before Tuesday as i have medicine for various sisters and i am seeing them on Tuesday inshaAllah. also one suitcase belonged to my dd1 and she is devestated as it contained all her treats but we have to have sabr and thank allah at least we got 2 bags some people got none.

Apart from that fisco i was dreading leaving and coming back , subhan Allah Allah has been mercyful to me yet again mashaAllah and i feel happy to be back , i really do , felt like i was never away , felt like home subhan Allah actually felt nice to be back , i was suprissed myself for feeling this way, m heart is in 2 places, its like a man being in love with 2 women he cant explain it but loves them both!!! am i making sense? i poped into see the neighbour to pick up my tortoise she had been pet sitting for me. It was so nice to see her mashaAllah and she noted the change in my glow and said it looked like the trip did me good !!! MashaAllah she was not wrong there! We had spagetti in pasata sauce for dinner , it was actually very nice, i did a lil dusting and sweeping , changed the bed covers as the place just feels so dusty- hard slog for the days ahead i foresee alhamduillah. The kids are straight into school tomorrow inshaAllah they are 1 week over due, the gifts they got for thier teachers are in the lost baggage. Do i feel refreshed , yes , do i feel ready to face Algeria and all its good and bad for another pierod , yes inshaAllah i do , recharged mentally but physically i am actually looking forward to the rest here as the UK was a lot of going out and about , condensing 9 months worth into 4 weeks but i did it alhamduillah , only thing i didn't get to do was a trip to the West End and the park, that had more to do with the weather than anything elses.You will be reading more or less from me over time

Mosque Under Construction

I visit my local mosque 2 days per week alhamduillah. Now this mosque has been majority built by the funds of local residents. So its a very basic and slow progressing mosque. Inside its a shell really no tiles just raw cemented floors. Its very basic and simple mashallah yet it thrives with classes and worshipers mashaAllah. when i arrive on mondays the volunteers are there before me and they are cleaning and mopping the areas after the weekend. Often there is a cloud of cement dust that is lingering in the air upon arrival i see most women coughing but noone complains , they just sit down and get on with the class while i sit there feeling this is not healthy, this is not right , such old women and young with conditions of asmaha and algeries should not have to be subjected to this. Often the floor is cold and i myself suffer with back pain from sitting on it for long pierods , than i look at my fellow students elderly women, who have much poorer health than me but they never complain. Subhan Allah when i think back to the air conditioned mosques of the UK , carpeted , central heated, chairs avalible masha Allah. Made me think do we really utilize oppurtunities when thet arise properly, like most we take it for granted , when i could have learnt i didn't now when i want to learn the environment is bad for my health.

what am i trying to say ? cease the oppurtunity?

Thinking Aloud

Brain is ticking on over time and I am in a reflective mood just wondering what I am doing what am I achieving esp. with the kids , I feel like they are lacking , they are missing out , I am not doing a good enough job where the deen is concerned. Need to make changes need to establish new routines? This is becoming a big stress for me as I am loosing time, each day they are growing time is slipping away, their lives and the way they live them is not the vision I had for life after hijrah. I feel the school life here takes up too much of their life time. They study 8am-3pm 4-6pm tuition most days per week. (Don’t forget the daily homework) 8pm bed now that’s the day!!!!! They study 6 days per week only having Friday as the 1 whole day off, this day is spent by me washing school clothes ready and dried, ironed for the next day, cooking a special meal as it’s the only whole day we have together, daily housework, making sure everyone has a ghusal before jummah and off to the masjid for jummah salat. The day is lost – the day was not spent with my kids in the way I wanted to , they never had my full attention , they never got the quality me or time I wanted , that I never seem to get these days with them , I am getting the grumpy and tired kids .

I am feeling lost inside a maze and my kids are slipping away into this world of secular education , that is dominating their lives………………..I don’t see an Islamic identity as strong as is was and this worries me , as they are seeing their peers more than me it seems and identifying more where culture of Algeria is concerned after all they are Algerian, I feel they need to be around a more pious and God fearing model daily as school is doing little for their deen, after all its what we are here for right ? I mean in this world, think about it what life is better to prepare for this one or the next? Look at this way which life will you give more energy? A life that last say 100yrs tops (if you are blessed) or eternal? Where, which life are your energies going to be focused at? Got it, yes the eternal life no doubt!!!!!!! In need to make rapid changes and stop making excuses or I am going to loose these babies to culture and routine, this worries me, no free thinking disables the mind. If I had my way I would put them into Islamic schooling systems inshaAllah at least that way they are learning deen along side secular studies in an Islamic environment rather than a cultural one. Need answers and need them fast as time is running away form my kids the tender years are passing Allah Al Mus’taan.

More Happyness

Another reason to be happy …………spring is almost upon us in Algeria (usually around the end of February) , the sun is out most of the day , the wind is a little nippy but its nice subhanAllah. As Algeria is a very humid country esp. in areas by the sea, humidity, mould and condensation are just a few of the things we have to deal with. In the autumn and winter months Algeria is very dull due to the lack of sunshine, I firmly believe Algeria is a better place in the sun. Whereas I liked the UK better when it was grey and raining .I don’t like the summer sun , its way too hot subhan Allah but I like the spring sun as its just right but can get very hot. Algeria seems abetter place with the sun in tow, washing dries quicker as in the winter months its can take 3-5days with all the dampness around. The rugs go up for the summer ahead which equals less dusting ect , the list goes on……… Now the spring in Algeria is a very special time for me as I await the return of my friends in the form of birds………beautiful wild birds that bring me so much joy mash Allah. They appear on the window ledge and tap at the glass, that’s this one the blue tit, its colours are so deep and fresh.

The other is the Robin Red Chest now he makes me smile and feel nostalgic as in the UK growing up as a child , I read so many a story book with robins in them , the red robin, he reminds me of the winter. His legs are so thin and skinny, yet his body is big and fluffy.

Each bird has its distinctive chirp and I am able to recognise them by sound alone, there are other birds too with bright luminous colours that the eye has never witnessed. I am not a bird watcher believe me but I have taken up this pastime come spring each year. The birds are so pretty and really brighten my mood and day , I feel subhan Allah what hidden beauties I have never seen before , I never thought something so simple would bring me so much joy mash Allah.

These birds are more vigilant than the general wild birds, the robin does not stay still to long as soon as he senses me behind the glass, and he is off. Whereas the blue it stays and taps and even whilst I am pottering around in the kitchen stays to eat the food I have left him on the ledge. The wonders of Allah’s creations Al Khaliqh, never ceases to amaze me subhan Allah.

I am Happy Al-hamduillah

I felt the need to let everyone know I am happy alhamduillah as after a recent comment left on a post, it got me thinking perhaps I post too much gloom and doom and not enough happy postings. This prompted me to say a little why I am blogging and what I blog.

I am happy to have been blessed with the chance to make hijrah alhamduillah, like any major change in life hijrah has not come without its test in more ways than one. Life is full of good and bad, the experiences we gain from life’s test makes us or breaks us. I am here to share with you an insight into my life and the world around me as I see and feel it. There is no right and wrong here as we all are as different as people so what I feel is not what you will feel but someone might.

I decided to make hijrah a very long time ago as a teenager in fact, I was not a muslimah at the time but I wanted out of the west for very similar reasons as I believe in today as a muslimah. I have been mentally and physically preparing for 14yrs to come to live in Algeria. It was always my decision, my choice, if anything I encouraged my DH not that he needed much encouragement alhamduillah.

I had many dreams and aspirations for myself and in later years for my children and DH (as a family) visions and dreams, goals and achievements, expectations that never materialized. What I expected of Algeria and its people never emerged and what I didn’t want or expect did!!!! So what now? In between this mess I have to find a life, establish happiness, and create a path forward. Happiness is a blessing that not all are blessed with. Hardships are a blessing that not all are tested with; its striking the balance is what it’s all about for me. Contentment is a restraint and is a hold back for furthering oneself and ambitions. If there is one thing I have discovered is that there is nothing like a hijrah to test ones intentions and happiness subhanAllah. I find shatan work harder in Muslim lands to mislead the people. My test are visible and hidden, I am just here sharing my thoughts and feelings, as a British Asian Ex Pat, Revert Muslimah alahmduillah, that’s what it’s about the good and the bad. It’s all about me and how I perceive it.